The Worst Ever Spy Movie
by Forestwater
Summary: Think you've seen it all? Read the weirdest of the weird? The stupidest of the stupid? The most pointless of the . . . you get the idea.Well, you're wrong! This holds the slot for all that is moronic. Hopefully you won't want to throw knives at me for it.
1. Link gets hit with a dishrag

Um . . . this was totally random. And . . . random.

The basic plot of the movie was inspired by myshadowspirit and dragonfire dude. There. I've given you credit.

This first chapter is pretty hard to get through. But (hopefully) it'll get better. Anyway, it's just a way to kill writer's block. It has no point. YAY!

Disclaimer: Yeah, i don't own these people. rub it in, why dontcha! Oh, and I'm sorry if I've offended any James Bond fans. DEAL WITH IT.

* * *

"And so, the spy, James Bond, saved the damsel, Adora, and they got married and stuff, and then she died of a tragic illness. Meanwhile, somewhere else . . ." the narrator said. 

"Yes! James Bond thought he had killed me, but I am still alive, due to the power of the life-giving porcupines!" The evil genius, Doctor EvilBrain, cackled to himself. "And I will make James Bond suffer! WHAHAHA!"

The screen went black, and the narrator, some guy with a deep voice, spoke.

"Will James Bond ever meet another to love? Will Dr. EvilBrain triumph? Find out, in the next epic film, _James Bond XIII: More Evil Schemes_!"

The tinny theme music faded, and the credits rolled across the screen. Zelda and Link sat silently, staring straight ahead.

Finally Zelda broke the silence. "That was the worst thing I have ever seen."

Navi, who was balanced precariously on Link's hat, agreed. "It sucked."

"Link?" Zelda prodded, turning to look at him.

"That . . . was . . . AWESOME!" he cried, turning to look at her. His face was alight with glee.

"Link, _please_ tell me you're joking."

Navi fluttered down, landing on a bowl of popcorn. "Yeah. I mean, it was actually _painful_ to watch."

"Come on! The plot, the characters—"

"The half-undressed women . . ." Zelda translated dryly.

Link shook his head at her. "Whatever. It was a beautiful work of . . . . movie."

The princess just laughed tolerantly, rising to her feet and stretching. "I'm gonna go wash dishes." She rolled her eyes and laughed again.

These crazy Nintendo characters are in the year 2006. And, obviously, they are not at home. Not even Hyrule has TV, or bad spy movies, in their point of evolution. They're not in Kansas, either.

Link and Zelda have been long-time dating (since 2002, in fact). They're always stuck in the Super Smash Bros games, and are visiting Japan to be in the newestgame.

A half hour later, Link was still trying to understand how Zelda could possibly dislike the movie. Zelda was still trying to wash dishes. Between her boyfriend's cajoling, Navi stealing her dishrag to hit Link over the head with it, and Zelda taking her dishrag and hitting Link over the head with it, she had approximately three-and-a-half dishes clean.

Finally she turned. He winced, expecting to get smacked again. She sighed. "Link, there is absolutely _nothing_ that is worse than that movie!" she said. And hit him again.

He pulled the rag from her hands. "I bet there's something that's worse," he insisted.

"No."

"I'll make something worse!"

"What?"

"We have a video camera. and I bet I can get someone to help me!" He began to smile at the idea. "It'll be fun."

Zelda shrugged, looking at him sideways. "Okay . . ."

* * *

Well, then, you can feel the insanity! OOH . . . . mystical! Yeah. It's short. i don't care. 

Coming up. . . the appearances of Marth, Roy, and Samus (breifly) and possibly others! I have no clue.

Well . . . see ya again when i get more writer's block!


	2. Marth becomes a girl

Okay. the craziness continues with only one chapter (not counting this one) left. Are you scared? I feel bad for Marth. Ahaha!

* * *

"Hey!" Link called out to the group of people ahead of him. They were about to enter the cafeteria.

They turned around. Marth, Roy, Samus, and Fox all asked simultaneously, "What?"

He caught up to them easily. "Want to do something incredibly stupid?" he asked.

"Nope," Fox answered, and sauntered away. Link frowned at him.

"Why is he sauntering, instead of walking?" he wondered.

Roy gave him a look. "Duh, Link! He's a fox. That's all foxes do."

Link shook his head. "So, do you?"

"What do we have to do?" Samus, wearing normal clothes instead of that orange-armor-thing, flicked her hair over her shoulder.

"I'm making . . . ." He paused dramatically. "The Worst Ever Spy Movie!" He surveyed them each. "Marth, you could be the wimpy sidekick. Samus, the damsel in distress. Roy . . . the evil diabolical freak. I, of course, would be the hero."

"Wimpy!" Marth pouted. But he wouldn't give up a chance to be in a movie.

Samus' reaction wasn't quite as promising. She grabbed the front of Link's tunic and shoved him into the wall. (That might seem pathetic on Link's part, but remember: Samus is freakishly strong).

"I'm not some stupid _damsel," _she sneered. Then she stalked away. Why? Because no one walks in the land of Nintendo. They saunter, stalk, sneak, stroll, wander, mosey, promenade, amble, march, stagger, hike, and any other words that inspire movement.

Link removed his hat (and crazy fan girls screamed, and reporters took pictures. Link _never_ removes his hat). He groaned in irritation. "Damn reporters," he muttered. "Always taking their pictures, like I'm some sort of . . ." There was a pause while he tried to think of a sufficient word.

"Wondrous creature?" a fan girl asked, taking pity on him.

"Uh, not really . . ."

Of course, then everyone got into it. The girls (because they're nuts) saw it as an opportunity to express their undying love. Marth and Roy used the chance to insult him. Feel the love.

"Beautiful specimen of life?"

(Link was slightly offended at being called beautiful, but he let it go).

"An unholy freak?"

"Proof that God loves us all?"

"A complete and total nut job people are just waiting to lock up?"

"An _angel?" _A young blonde swooned and fell at his feet. Pit got annoyed (_he_ is the one and only angel!). Of course, all the fan girls had to outdo her.

"The All-Powerful King of the Universe?" A brunette threw herself out the first-story window.

"A crazed pyromaniac?"

"No, Roy, that's _you."_

"What?"

_"You're _the pyromaniac."

"Oh, yeah . . . Remember that time when I—"

"With Mario?"

"Yep."

"Yeah. His hair never did grow back completely, did it?"

"Nah. That's why his hat has an extra-large brim now."

Then all the fan-girls, man-girls (Marth), and Roy went flying against the wall. Link was standing in the hallway, surrounded by Nayru's Love. "Will you all just SHUT UP!" He glared at them. "HELLO! Look how off-topic we are!" He waved an arm up at the screen. "This is crazy!"

"Gee, ya think?" Roy muttered with that loving sarcasm of his.

"Shut up, Roy. And all you girls: What are you doing here?"

One brave soul spoke up. "Y-y-you took off your hat," she whined.

"So?"

"You _never_ take off your hat."

Another girl, feeling more confident added, "Not even when you take a shower."

Link narrowed his eyes at her. "How would you know about—"

"Hey!" Marth pointed at the screen. "We're off-topic again, and soon the readers will be pissed, and the author will be pissed, and she'll make us fall off a cliff or something."

Lots of funky smoke and mist appears. A big booming voice fills the room "Nah. I live for this stuff." smoke fades

"All right, fan girls, get out of here!" Moping, the dejected fans ambled away. Link turned back to Marth and Roy, studying them. "Okay, since Samus is gone . . . . Marth. You'll be the damsel in distress. We really don't need a sidekick."

Marth practically choked . . . . On nothing. He's sad like that. "What . . . I . . . we . . . why . . . . Why ME?"

"You're girly," Link replied simply. They didn't have a lot of time. "Roy, you're still demented enough to be an evil villain, right?"

He laughed crazily. "Yes! Yes! Fear me! FEAR ME!"

Link and Roy stared at him. ". . . . Right. Good. Scary. Marth, go see Peach. She'll get you all made up."

Mumbling darkly to himself, Marth wandered away. When he returned five minutes later, he was unrecognizable. His long hair had been covered in a bright pink wig, curled and full of bows. He had on every type of makeup in existence. He looked like a really scary girl . . . in Marth's clothes.

"Peach wouldn't let me borrow one of her dresses," he announced sullenly.

"I'll get one," Link replied, then turned and rushed (scampered, scurried, dashed; insert whatever phrase you want) off to Zelda's room.

* * *

Zelda was reading a book--big shock, huh?—when Link entered.

"Do you have a dress for our damsel to wear?" he asked.

Zelda rose, and stomped over to her wardrobe. "What stupid, girly, big-breasted hussy is going to be wearing my dress anyway?"

"Marth."

She thought about that for a moment, then threw a pale lavender dress to Link. "Make sure Marth burns that when he's done with it, okay?"

"I'm sure if he won't, Roy will."

"Oh, and Link?"

He turned. "Yeah?"

"I was thinking . . . . What if we bet some money? If this movie is worse than that James Bond whowhatzit, then you get a hundred rupees. If I win, I get a hundred. Fair enough?"

"Sure." Link didn't exactly _have_ a hundred rupees (was it his fault that there was an auction selling every NES game ever made? And that he won it at $4,536 (7000 rupees)? No, it was not). But he'd win. Definitely. Probably. Yeah.

* * *

Marth looked rather stunning in the dress. People passing by made a point of telling him that.

"I swear, if one more person tells me this dress compliments my hair . . ."

"Shut up." Link shoved Marth over around the back of the arena where they were filming. Hyrule Temple had enough little cliffs and gullies and things to hide their Princess Marth.

Roy disappeared into the castle. Every once in a while an ominous cackling reverberated through the field.

Link had asked Pikachu to operate the camera. It was soon proving to be a mistake, though, because every few minutes Pikachu would spaz and the camera would flash bright orange.

It also didn't help that Marth kept saying, "Oh, isn't it exciting? I always knew I'd be on television. Although I never expected to be a girl, or to be in a movie destined—on purpose—to suck. But still, this is so exciting . . ." And on and on and on.

Oh, well. Link had a hundred rupees riding on this. "Everyone ready? Anddd . . . action!"

A few hours later, the worst spy movie ever was created.

* * *

Now, what have we learned? _Don't mess with Samus._

Samus: You got that right.

Please R&R! I accept flames. I don't like them, but i accept them.


	3. Roy dies twice

Um, yeah. this is the last chapter. weep. sob. cry.

I have to stress this: myshadowspirit, dragonfire dude, and i all came up with this movie plot. a lot of the lines are exactly the same. I just . . . tweaked a few details and added some stuff. and forgot some stuff. i know i did. i'm cool like that.

so . . . be weirded out!

* * *

"Ready?" Link asked, sitting down in front of the TV. 

Zelda nodded. "Yep." A few seconds later she leaned over and whispered, "Just how bad _is _this movie?"

"Very, very, bad."

"Eyes bleeding bad?" Navi wondered, fluttering into the room and landing on Link's head.

"One can only hope."

He turned on the television, and the movie . . . . movietized.

* * *

(Crackle, crackle. Bright spot of orange when Pikachu spazzed) Roy's face filled the screen. 

"Hello, this is Narrator dude, and I am here to announce this move: The Worst Spy Movie Ever . . . Of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" These "OOs" continued on for a long time. Link came by and smacked him over the head with the hilt of his sword.

"Right," Link continued. "That word was 'doom.' Let's begin."

The scene flashed to Link with a very beautiful Marth.

"I am the hero! And this is my damsel, Marthelina!" Link declared.

Marth waved.

Roy came sneaking up behind them, holding a wooden spatula over his head. He lunged forward, pressed it to Marth's throat, and began dragging him away.

"I am evil! Ho-ho! You will never defeat me, ho-ho!" Roy shouted evilly as he staggered backwards.

Link raised an eyebrow. "Ho-ho? What are you, Santa?"

"Yes, I am Santa on steroids, ho-ho!"

"Ow," Marth complained. Roy loosened his hold.

"Sorry. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. I have an evil plan, ho-ho! I will leave to my underground lair, ho-ho!" Roy disappeared behind a tree.

Link made a pathetically fake expression of fear and determination. "He's stolen Marthelina! I must go save her!"

Roy poked his head back around. "Um, in case you'll need me, I'll be over here. In my secret lair. Being evil and diabolical. And ho-ho-ing. Mwhahaha!" He left.

"I know! I'll go to his secret lair! And I miraculously know where it is!" Bravely Link marched off.

The scene changed. Marth was hidden in a tree, and Roy was cackling.

"You'll never get away with this!" Marth cried in a squeaky high voice.

"But I will! My plan is working!"

Suddenly Link barged in, looking around heroically. "I will find you, Dr. Whowhatzit!"

Marth waved his hand, rolling his eyes. "Genius? I'm over here."

"Oh. Yes, of course." He pointed his wooden spatula at Roy. "I know your evil plot! You plan to turn all females in the world into your favorite flavor of gelatin!"

Roy gasped. "How did you know my favorite flavor is cherry?"

"_Cherry_!" Link and Marth repeated. As if that was the big problem.

"Oh, you didn't know that?" Roy looked puzzled. "Man, I fell for that one."

"I will challenge you! To fight! To the death!"

They battled. Well, Link fought. And pretty well, dodging and weaving. Roy stood there and waved his spatula and screamed, "Ho-ho!"

Link stuck his spatula under Roy's armpit. Roy began screaming and staggering around. "Aaaggh! I'm dying! I'm dyyyyyyiiiinnnggg!" He fell to the ground. "I'm dead!" He stuck his tongue out and closed his eyes.

Pikachu shook the camera, though it was obvious the ground didn't move.

"Oh no!" Marth squealed, his voice still high. "The lair is falling down for no reason! Let's get out of here!"

"Good idea!" Link agreed.

They escaped easily.

"Oh, Kames Mond! You saved me from becoming cherry gelatin!"

A noise from behind them made Marth scream. Roy stepped out, covered in ketchup and still holding that stupid spatula.

"Ah, yes! You thought I was dead, but I'm really . . . not dead!" Roy continued to laugh. "GELATIN SHALL PREVAIL!"

Link stabbed him again. Roy fell down again. "I'm dead . . . again!"

Narrator voice: "What will happen to Kames Mond and Marthelina? Will they live happily ever after? Or not? Is Dr. Whowhatzit _really _dead? Find out in . . . some other movie!"

Roy and Marth began humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. Marth's voice was still incredibly high.

The screen went black.

* * *

Zelda turned to Link, a mocking smile on her lips. "'Kames Mond?'" she asked disdainfully. "Is that really the best you came up with?" 

"Sadly, yes."

"Planning on making a sequel?"

"Roy wants to. He says he's already got a plot. He says it's evil. And diabolical. And scheming. Din only knows if he'll do it." He glanced at the window, and the sky lit up.

"What's that?" Zelda wondered, moving forward.

"Roy's having fun burning your dress."

Zelda shook her head, then held out her hand to Link. In it was a glittering pile of rupees. He took them with an evil chuckle. "Ahaha."

"Link?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't do that. It's disturbing. And annoying."

"AHAHA!"

With sigh, Zelda picked up her glass of water. "You coming?" she asked, gesturing at the door.

Link stared at the TV, an unreadable expression on his face. "Ya know," he began slowly. "That movie really wasn't that bad. I mean—"

Zelda dumped her water on his head.

* * *

Lovely. 

Well, hopefully my writer's block is cured. or not. ya never can tell.

Jackie and Jacob: I'm sorry, i forgot how the bad guy died in our movie. So i made it up. lemme know (if you remember) how she died.

This is a sad farewell. You don't know what to do now, huh? You're lost and sad without this great work of literature (sorta). Well, i know what you can do to soothe yourself.

You _could_ review me. Just a suggestion. now i'm going to let it go.

(This is your subconcious. Review Forestwater)

See ya!


End file.
